Sit Yourselves Down, Ladies!

Speaking to large groups and traveling on airplanes with other women’s pee on the back of my thighs is starting to drive me crazy. Sitting on a toilet to go to the bathroom shouldn’t require a full pre-cleaning. As an innkeeper and mother, I contend with enough toilet situations. When I am on the road, I like to pee one last time before I go on stage or board a plane. Sometimes the light is deceiving, and I sit down on what appears to be a dry toilet seat only to be met with wetness.

The next step is to wipe the back of my thighs with scratchy toilet paper that is usually lacking absorbency. Because I need to get on the plane or stage in a matter of minutes, I end up having to pull my pants over my still damp thighs. I know urine is sterile, but other people’s urine is gross, especially when I have to take it with me on stage or on a plane.

You hear so many people complain about filthy men’s bathrooms. I would rather hunker onto a toilet in a men’s bathroom stall if people didn’t get so uneasy with a woman in the men’s room. The fellas can aim. Urinals are undoubtedly scummy, but the combo of the splashback and the self-conscious tinkler challenges even those with the best aim. When faced with a toilet, men aim a lot better than women in public bathrooms., and they lift the seats. When men need more than a urinal, they sit their backside down, get cozy and leave a dry seat.

The reality is that women can’t aim. I don’t care if you wax from anus to navel, female gear is not made for aim. Public bathrooms aren’t like the bathrooms of the 1970s gas station. They are usually clean if everyone follows the rules. I wish women would either sit down or use a seat cover. And if that feels too close to other people’s stuff, build a toilet paper seat cover – the kind we used on those road trip bathroom stops of yesteryear. The ass hang quad workout approach seems efficient, but it is selfish to keep the seat down, leave your spray and walk away. If you want a thigh workout style pee, please put the seat up, so the rest of us can use the seat to sit on and have a relaxing moment. Bottom line, ladies, we can’t aim.

A thought from 1001 FACTS THAT WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, THE ULTIMATE BATHROOM READER: “Office desks have 400 times more bacteria than toilet seats. So, be safe and eat your lunch on a toilet instead of at your desk.”

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