Why porn?

By Cindy Pierce
4.28.21

Internet porn is easily accessible on any device, which makes it possible for any person with a phone to watch in private almost anywhere. The privacy factor enables kids to avoid being caught, judged or shamed, however making sense of sexual content that is not realistic can be problematic. Sexual expectations are often skewed for kids whose first exposure to sexuality is through porn or who watch porn to learn rather than seek reliable resources. As the primary sexuality educators, parents should engage in ongoing conversations and provide reliable sexuality education resources to contribute to their child’s healthy sexual development.

As access to cell phones and the Internet has been normalized for elementary and middle school kids, exposure to porn is occurring at younger ages. It is common for kids to have been exposed to sexual content before teachers, parents or caregivers even consider discussing sexuality with them. Few adults feel comfortable digging into the topic of sexuality. By the time adults realize what kids have been directly exposed to online or have heard about from peers, they often feel overwhelmed and confused about where to begin. Let the facts motivate you: Kids who learn accurate information about sexuality early and often make healthier choices as teens.

Why Are Teens Interested in Porn?

Internet porn is viewed by teens of all genders with a variety of intentions including: Learning about sexuality; masturbating; answering questions about how bodies appear and respond; exploring sexual interests; affirming sexual orientation; exploring how one’s gender identity aligns with sexuality; and clarifying sexual expectations with a partner.

1. Learning about sexuality:

Internet porn is an unreliable source for accurate information about sexuality and a horrible model of how to have sex. However, it’s become the primary source kids and teens turn to for answers to their questions. If parents, other caregivers or teachers don’t provide comprehensive sexuality education, kids are often compelled to learn about sex online. It is important for kids to understand that porn is not a reliable source for answers to sexuality questions. There are great online resources to learn about sexuality such as: AMAZE.org, Scarlateen, Sex, Etc. to name only a few.

Most kids have a lot of questions about sexuality and worry about “being good at sex” with a partner or future partner. Kids are exposed to a barrage of banter about sexuality online and off, often relating to what has been viewed on internet porn. Kids who feel left behind or confused by peer references to sexual terms or porn content find it hard to resist the temptation to seek answers online. Watching people have sex seems like the fastest way to learn how to do it. Porn sex, however is not realistic and does not prepare a young person for the communication required to enjoy respectful, consensual sex with a partner.

Kids tend to believe that privately “learning” about sex online is the best way to avoid the shame of not knowing what everyone else seems to have figured out, but internet porn misinforms and confuses consumers. The porn industry works hard to direct any online sexual topic searches to their sites.

Internet porn misinformation usually leads viewers further off track from their ultimate goal of gaining accurate sexual knowledge and becoming a skilled partner. Media, marketing, porn and cultural messaging can make kids believe that they need to appear a certain way, possess a specific kind of body and have had a lot of sex to feel sexually confident. Having a high number of sexual partners does not convert to sexual satisfaction or confidence. All people have the capacity for satisfying sexual relationships if they have accurate information and are willing to communicate openly with a trusted partner. Encourage your kids to be cautious of peers who brag about sexual information they learned from porn, even if they seem knowledgeable and confident. Support kids with facts from reliable sources such as: AMAZE.ORG, Scarlateen and SexEtc.

2. Masturbation:

Masturbation is healthy and normal for all genders. The frequency of masturbation varies for individuals and can change as they go through puberty. Two to 3% of the population identifies as asexual and are usually not interested in masturbation or sexual intimacy with a partner. The majority of people, however, will develop sexual interest and curiosity around puberty.

The porn industry intentionally capitalizes on the fact that most teens of all gender identities have some level of curiosity about nudity, sexuality and porn. Biological males of all sexual orientations are the largest group of regular internet porn consumers, but viewership by other genders is increasing. While the statistics may show that exposure to porn is growing to be more equal among people of all genders, repeated exposure that leads to habitual viewing of internet porn remains higher for biological boys who masturbate more frequently because sexual urges spike in their teens.

Boys usually experience their first ejaculation between the ages of 12 and 14, and their preoccupation with sex can remain strong throughout and beyond their teens. The porn industry intentionally targets and relies on the high interest in sexuality for tweens and teens to drive repeated clicks on internet porn sites, which means that boys (mostly between the ages of 12-20) make up the majority of habitual porn consumers.

3. Answering questions about how bodies appear and respond:

Most people who have regular bodies and ample imperfections are enjoying healthy, satisfying sex lives, however, cultural and media messaging shows very little evidence that regular folks can have great sex. The way sex is depicted in internet porn misinforms viewers enough to interfere with their development of healthy and realistic expectations about how their bodies should appear and what sex with a partner will be like.

Male and female porn performers have bodies and genitals that fit a certain standard. Meeting those standards often requires specific criteria: restrictive diets, intense workouts, removal of pubic hair and tattooed or make-up covered labia to appear bright red. Performers often alter their bodies through surgery to attain large breasts, large penises, trimmed labia or butts enhanced by implants. Watching a lot of porn can make viewers wonder if their body and genitals are normal and attractive enough. At an already vulnerable age, kids don’t need any more fuel to make them feel inadequate about their appearance. Not watching porn is one way to increase a positive, realistic body image.

4. How does watching porn become a habit?

Banter about porn has become normalized in middle school, which puts pressure on some teens to view internet porn to stay socially relevant. There is increasing concern among teenagers about not being able to masturbate without viewing porn and the desire for new material. People seek different and more extreme porn content because, over time, they’ve become desensitized to what they’ve watched. This is called escalation. Being desensitized means that viewers no longer experience as intense of a response (dopamine rush) as they have before or don’t get aroused as quickly.

It may feel awkward for parents to discuss masturbation and porn with their kids, but the alternative is far more troubling. Kids are naturally curious and will seek answers to questions online or by asking misinformed peers. Having these conversations are more important than awkward. The chance for kids to experience healthy and satisfying sexual relationships increases when parents support them with ongoing conversations and accurate information. I have encountered many teenage boys who are concerned that they have lost the ability to masturbate using their imagination. It is worth talking to them about engaging their imagination to create their own fantasies rather than seek out porn. With just a little direction and conversation, plenty of young people are open to new information, such as the growing research on the possibilities of changing one’s brain with intentional practice. Check out this two-minute video: Neuroplasticity The Sentis Brain Animation Series.

The porn industry easily attracts consumers by capitalizing on the natural curiosity and sexual interest of teens. Habitual porn use can begin with a search for sexual content online or even with an innocent search for the meaning of a sexual term or image. It’s natural for kids to be curious about sexuality and nudity, but internet porn is designed to grab and hold attention long enough that the viewer will likely return to that site. Millions of porn sites vie for clicks and attention. Even the most innocent word search on the Internet can lead to a porn site.

5. Exploring sexual interests:

It can be confusing for kids when they are led to porn content that is outside their range of interests. While basic sexual acts are represented in porn, they’re often depicted in disturbingly aggressive and violent ways. Much of what is shown in the most easily accessible porn fits the definition of sexual assault. Dehumanization of women and marginalized people are common themes of porn. People of Color (of all genders) are portrayed in ways that reinforce racial stereotypes. Racist content is common in widely viewed porn yet remains unchallenged and is rarely discussed, even in a society in the midst of a racial reckoning. The content of porn normalizes violence and desensitizes viewers to sexual aggression. When porn sites “suggest” or refer consumers to other content, they’re often directing them to material more extreme than what they’ve already viewed, a tactic intended to keep consumers engaged and inspire them to keep clicking.

Kids and young people are concerned and confused by sexual interests that have grown stronger with porn use. Many kids are relieved to learn that taking a break from porn allows their true sexual interests to reveal themselves organically without the images and script imposed on them by porn creators.

6. Affirming sexual orientation:

It is normal for kids to feel attracted to another person as a small child, tween or teen. Kids and teens should understand that it’s normal to feel drawn to or sexually attracted to a person of any gender, including someone who is the same gender as their own. Common non-heterosexual orientations are usually broken down into these categories: attraction to people of all genders (pansexual); attraction to people who are either male or female (bisexual); or attraction to someone of the same gender (gay/lesbian). Despite recent progress in our society around inclusion of all sexual orientations, not all parents, caregivers, peers or community members are as accepting when someone in their family or friend circle comes out as gay, bi or pan, or is questioning.

Sexual orientation is fluid for some people and consistent for others; sexual orientation can become either more fluid or more consistent throughout a person’s lifetime. A common and unfounded fear is that talking to our kids about sexual attractions and relationships outside of accepted heteronormative standards will encourage kids to be gay. A wide range of sexual orientations is a reality kids see in their world, both in their community and in shows and movies. Discussing the facts about sexual orientation will confirm what they see and perhaps put them at ease about their own developing attractions. Here are some helpful resources to help you and to share with your teen: The Trevor Project, Info and Resources for LGBTQ Teens and Allies from Planned Parenthood, and LGBTQ Resource List from glaad.

7. Exploring how one’s gender identity aligns with sexuality:

In general, comprehensive sexuality education is limited in the US. While there has been some progress, it is still rare for sexuality education, whether originating in schools or from parents, to include sex ed for TGNC (Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming) people. Many programs don’t even mention gender identity. TGNC teens who are questioning their gender identity or aren’t ready to come out often turn to the Internet to learn and find support to avoid the risk of outing themselves. Ideally, kids will have parents or other anchoring adults in their who will support them and can direct them to helpful resources such as: The Trevor Project, GLSEN, and It Gets Better Project are just a few.

Online searches for answers to questions can lead to porn sites, many of which fetishize or dehumanize TGNC people. Porn sites that target teens who are questioning their gender identity can be as loaded with misinformation as any other porn genres. This is another example of how a lack of access to reliable resources can interfere with healthy development, including one’s understanding sexual orientations and gender identities.

8. Clarifying sexual expectations with a partner:

A lot of teens report that they expected to learn how to have sex when they first started watching internet porn. Many teens and college students have confessed to me that even when they realized sex with a real person was nothing like what they saw in porn, it was hard to let go of hoping it would be. Young people need to be reminded that porn is fiction.

The most accessible internet porn rarely depicts foreplay, consent, intimacy, authentic pleasure and communication. There are some ethical porn producers offering healthier representations of what constitutes pleasure, respect and boundaries, but too often that content is behind a paywall or doesn’t get enough clicks to make it easily accessible. It is nearly impossible for ethical porn producers to compete with the mainstream porn industry.

There are plenty of reliable resources created specifically for teens that can help them work through the bewildering and harmful expectations of what it means to be sexually active, or not, during adolescence. Everybody’s different and that’s OK. Teens need to be educated to help them avoid judging themselves or others based on what they see in porn, shows or movies because, again, that’s not real. Below is a list of resources that could be helpful for teens and parents who want to provide accurate information for their teens.

Resources for accurate information to answer your questions about sexuality:

Special thanks to Nicola Smith for her keen eye in editing.