I am on a mission to provide specific guidance and support to the young men I parent, educate, mentor, or know personally. As a mom, I have always made an effort to encourage our sons and their male friends to tend their hearts and expand their emotional bandwidth. You can imagine how this mom feature can annoy and embarrass our boys; I am a shameless social liability…yet, occasionally, they are light on their resistance and give me the green light to dig in.
Our youngest son, Colter, graduated from college in May 2025. My husband, Bruce, and I have had the good fortune of getting to know and appreciate his friends and lacrosse teammates over the last four years. We have engaged in conversations with many of them about managing pressures from society, peers, and parents about their social lives, dating, relationships, and future employment. As parents, we all hope for our kids to be happy and successful. When well-meaning adults become panicked about our increasingly unsettled world and a competitive job market, they tend to lean on their kids to land a high-earning job, assuming that will fill any void. As a parent with many friends who are also parents, along with many random parents out in the wild, we seem to be at a loss for ways to connect with young people, other than asking them about their after-college plans. Despite our good intentions, we need more material rather than asking questions that add to the soup of concerns that erode a young person’s well-being as they head out into the world.
With the approval of our youngest son, I gave each of his teammates a copy of 10 ½ Things No Commencement Speaker Has Ever Said by Charlie Wheelan, the incredible professor, journalist, speaker, author, husband, dad, and founder and co-chairman of Unite America. I also included a letter from me with encouragement to be patient with themselves as they wrangle the post-college world of working, dating, living at home or a new place, and learning how to live independently. Below, I have shared a few highlights from the letter that may resonate with young men you know.
Work:
A common mindset is “As soon as I have a certain job, a specific income, the perfect place to live, or the ultimate partner, THEN I will feel at ease.” That mentality is limiting. Seek some ease each day rather than grinding in hopes of relaxing once you get there. Be careful of the grind mentality. It will be all around you, overvalued, expected, and normalized. Grinding will cause you to miss some meaningful moments. Even when you go through a challenging time, stay present enough to find gratitude for the little windows of joy, beauty, and humor. Shop for a ten-minute window of positivity on a long, hideous day. There are always morsels of wonder and humor sprinkled into the rough times, but they are easy to miss when you get tangled up with irritants. My dad always said, “If you pay attention to the wonders of life, they multiply.” (And he was right.)
Cultivate friendship and connection:
It will take courage and energy to prioritize connections with male friends as you forge into life after college, but the effort will always be worth it. Social norms make close friendships among males tricky. Society still holds men to unspoken rules and expectations that are hard to defy. Unfortunately, showing love to and receiving love from friends can feel like it requires withholding emotions, maintaining light and tight banter, and weaving in some protective “no-homo” exclamations. Of course, substances are the accepted influence that allows for more expression. This emotional tightrope robs men of a deep connection with friends. Stay aware of the normalized routine of connecting through partying. For many, partying as a way of connecting defines adult male relationships, sometimes through the finish line of life. You already have plenty of sober connection time together; I hope you can find a balance for the long haul to enjoy authentic friendships that involve having some drinks but also spending time together without the need for booze to ease the connections.
Rainn Wilson (who played Dwight in The Office) said: “The point of your 20s is to try twelve different things and fail at nine of them…if you view your 20s as a workshop stage, you can relax a little bit.” Remember that the pieces won’t just fall into place. Frustrating jobs can feel okay if your social life is amazing. Great friends can make a remote, boring town special. A fulfilling and interesting job can feel decent even if you are in a snoozy place, have a pesky living situation, and lack a social life. Sometimes, work, social life, and romance don’t flow. That’s normal.
It is important to make an effort, muster courage, and have patience. Find an activity, a club, or a gathering place that gives you a change of pace. Exercise the social muscle of putting yourself out there, having awkward conversations, and interacting with people you don’t know. If you are single, ask someone on a date and don’t take a “no” too personally. Learn to withstand a “no” without giving up. As athletes, you know the importance of reps. Social skills develop with reps, just like training reps make you stronger and better. With time and social reps, you may get to know new people and find new connections.
Comparison:
Our generation didn’t have devices that reminded us of what we could be, should be, or would be if we had, if we did, or if we bought. While you fully understand that people post their best, glowing moments, knowing that doesn’t slow down the temptation to compare. When you scroll for long stretches, it is not only impossible to feel great about your choices, but also hard to feel even good about them.
Mentors and Counseling:
Mentors are the people from whom you will gather strength during the wonky times and the good times. Collect mentors and anchoring adults/trusted adults. Ask them about what matters to them and how they found their way onto and off solid ground throughout their lives. Take what makes sense from those trusted people, and shed the rest. Bruce and I have relied on teams of wise elders throughout our lives and are huge fans of counseling. Our friends and family members who love us the most have great intentions of providing help, but sometimes they are too close to give a clear perspective. I am aware that counseling isn’t quite as normalized as it should be in the land of boys and men, but it can change your life for the better, as it has ours. Caring for your emotional well-being requires finding the support that works for you; tending to your heart will ease stress and make space in your mental hard drive for better things. Keep in mind, a guy who is willing to do the work to understand himself is mighty attractive.
Below you will find links with wise words from some of my mentors:
- Listen to Scott Galloway and Logan Ury discuss masculinity and dating on The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett
- Listen to Mark Green and Mark Wiedman, co-founders of Walking and Talking Men, discuss male loneliness on Pod Talk with Henry Muggia
- Listen to Terry Real’s thoughts on why boys and men are floundering on the Modern Love podcast