Review the introduction to this blog series: Manageable Doses of Advice for Parents
Review Part 1: Considering Screen Time (even though we don’t want to)
Concern about the mental health of children and teens is warranted, especially given the tidal wave of cultural influences that can interfere with emotional well-being. Thankfully, hopeful new research and accessible information are available to support parents and caregivers. Many skilled therapists offer helpful, free guidance and advice in their podcasts, books, and blogs. (Below, you can find specific information and links to two brilliant therapists.)
Some parents who struggle or have struggled with mental health feel guilty and overwhelmed if their children show signs of similar issues. Because some mental health challenges can have a genetic component, it is common for parents to assume that their child will inevitably suffer as they have. Growing research indicates that kids with anxiety patterns and behaviors benefit greatly if their parents engage in prevention and reduction strategies. According to Lynn Lyons, a practicing therapist, parents should focus on teaching their children how to tolerate uncertainty and how to move beyond it rather than dwell on why their child is anxious and what triggers it. Being involved in a child’s therapy enables parents to learn the strategies and skills that can be reinforced at home.
Recently, I sat at a dinner table with several couples and their young kids. A bright and anxious eight-year-old boy announced that he goes to a “feelings doctor” and explained how much therapy helped him feel more at ease at school, at camp, and with his family and friends. His parents successfully normalized therapy. While reinforcing the development of his skills and strategies, the parents work hard to practice their skills in how to respond. Kids who build a mental health toolbox early in life stand a better chance of experiencing and maintaining emotional well-being as they grow up.
The earlier kids of all genders can identify and express their feelings, the more likely they will enter their teens and adulthood with stronger emotional management skills. It is important to allow kids to have their emotions without overreacting to or dismissing them. Overreacting can fuel anxiety by adding drama and reinforcing that big emotions earn a parent’s undivided attention. Dismissing or squelching a child’s emotions gives more power to whatever worry is grabbing them. Lyons says, “The content may change, but uncertainty and discomfort will return. Anxiety promotes a worry into an emergency. Kids need to be taught skills to manage that pattern.” Responding in a measured, understanding manner can help kids tolerate a range of emotions and develop emotional management skills.
A few wisdom bombs from Lynn Lyons to consider when your child is feeling anxious:
- When adults scan for danger and worry, kids pick up on it. Show empathy and ask questions without interrogating your child. Interrogation can invite negativity and suggest that they have a problem you should be looking for.
- Respond with support and understanding rather than reassurance. It feels natural to want to give an anxious child reassurance by pointing out how unlikely it is that their fear will come true. Instead, be supportive by reminding them that you are there for them, you know this is hard, you get it, or you have those feelings, too. Lynn Lyons suggests that reassurance gives the anxiety what it is looking for – comfort and certainty – which can backfire. The intention is to make them feel better, but worried, anxious kids will find every “Yeah, but…” with an example in their own life or another person’s that proves the reassurance is not 100% guaranteed.
- Greet your child after school with, “I’m happy to see you!” The usual asking a kid, “How was your day?” tends to put pressure on them to give you a play-by-play when they are tired and ready to let down. If your child seems upset or anxious after school, ask them, “Are there any details you want to share?” If your child’s answer is no, let it go.
- When we insert ourselves to solve our kids’ problems, we send a message that we don’t believe they are capable. Helping kids avoid stress-inducing experiences interferes with the development of their capacity to handle things and impairs their ability to function without you. For parents, it can become an all-day game of whack-a-mole when trying to eliminate anything that will set a kid off or help them avoid things that bring on anxiety.
Suggested Resources:
Lynn Lyons, LICSW is a practicing therapist, an author, and the host of Flusterclux. Lyons is the author of The Anxiety Audit: 7 Sneaky Ways Anxiety Takes Hold and How to Escape Them. Here are three helpful episodes of Flusterclux to support parents and caregivers interested in preventing and reducing anxiety in kids, shifting how they respond to anxious kids, and managing their own anxiety:
• Parenting Toddlers and Planting the Seeds of Emotional Regulation
• Parents & Clinicians: These 3 All-Too-Common Mistakes Are Not Helping A Child’s Anxiety
• Best of: How go Raise Problem Solvers
Lisa Damour, PhD is a practicing therapist, author, and host of Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting. Damour combines “years of experience as a psychologist with the latest research to offer sound, practical guidance to help you untangle family life.” Damour’s latest book is The Emotional Lives of Teenagers; Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents