My Rooster Scares the Piss Out of Me

rooster

The rooster we have is very pesky. Everyone loves him, except me. His name is Puff Puff. He was named as a baby chick when we all wished he would grow to be a laying hen. When the chicks grew up, seven of them exhibited rooster traits and started crowing. Puff Puff was colorful but didn’t have any male features. He didn’t crow for the three weeks, during which we observed them to see who was going to end up in the freezer.

The day after we slaughtered the roosters, suddenly Puff Puff got some swagger on. It became clear Puff Puff was a male when he stood taller and started crowing. It even seemed that his tail had a few more feathers spouting off his backside. Having cheated death by hanging low with the ladies, he did not have much respect from his coop of hens. They pecked at him and attacked him every time he tried to crow. With a few missing feathers and a bad limp, he had to work hard to gain position as the alpha male.

Having grown up with nasty roosters who killed each other off, I was ready to stuff Puff Puff into the cone and take his head off, but the family loved his beauty and poise. Our youngest understood my side after being attacked a few times. When Puff Puff saved the hens from a dog attack as well as an animal attack, he earned more time and respect from everyone but me. I had lingering issues with my childhood rooster experience, and Puff Puff knew it. That dude could smell my fear.

Several times, Puff Puff chased me down and attacked me using his beak, talons and 1.5-inch spurs. Each time, I freaked out and frantically responded with an uncharacteristic threat of violence with a rake, ski pole or shovel. Needless to say, we don’t have a good relationship. Recently, I poured out several containers of leftover food scraps on the ground for them, which usually occupies them for hours. As I walked away, I heard pounding foot steps. When I turned, Puff Puff was flying into the air, spurs out and ready to take me down. I screamed and yelled waving a blue one-liter Pyrex lid to defend myself. Thankfully, the dog showed up and took the rooster on while I scrambled to safety.

One morning after sleeping late in our family tree house, I descended the ladder with my book in a shoulder bag and a large yogurt container full of pee with a lid on it. As I was heading down the path, I stopped short because Puff Puff was in my path. I waited for him to move along, but he was ready for a tussle. Lucky for me, I reached over to my left and pulled out a big gnarly pine branch with spiky twigs to help encourage him to move him along. He puffed up his chest, gave a crow and then did his little threatening jig that felt like a coiled snake move to me. I was feeling pretty badass with my big stick, so I wielded it with a threatening jive. He was having none of this and came towards me until I gave a more aggressive shove to get him off the path. He didn’t move much.

I held onto the stick in one hand and the pee container in the other as I walked around him. Just to be sure, I turned the face him walking backwards towards the house. When I got about 20 yards from him, I was feeling safe and was about to drop the stick when a few of the hens came clucking into view far off to my left. I turned my head ever so slightly to look at them and saw a flash out of the corner of my eye. When I turned back, Puff Puff was in a full agitated sprint coming right for me. He launched into the air, and I instinctively swung the spiky pine branch at him in self-defense with a shrieking F-bomb. He retreated, and I was left completely wet. When I lurched back to my senses, I realized in my fit of panic, I squeezed the yogurt container so hard that the lid popped off and my pee flew in the air then covered me from chin to ankles. Bruce ran out to find me soaking wet, with an empty yogurt container, a handbag on my shoulder and wielding a stick. He told me I deserved it.

8 thoughts on “My Rooster Scares the Piss Out of Me

  1. Great story, Cindy. We have had chickens and loved every minute of it, though I never had to fight them off with a tub of pee!
    Will

  2. I have to tell you Cindy…since reading this…our barn rooster, who has attacked every single one of us BUT the one who feeds him the most…has now attacked her too. His days are numbered! The best was that he had Jodie Curran screaming like a little girl, trapped in a stall the other day. Personally, I’ve decked him with the flat side of the pitchfork three times now. Next time…the pointy end.

  3. While reading this, I kept hoping you were going to dowse the rooster with your pee and have a story to share about that and how maybe he became afraid of you….Regardless, you got me laughing,,, again. Thank you. Life needs more laughter. The one comment my mom had about regret in her life is that she wished she had laughed more. I am trying not to make the same mistake.

  4. I have a similar account. Actually I could not believe earlier that a roaster could be so aggressive until I faced one last Sunday. My neighbour-er have some hens and a roaster. While I was going out of my home I encountered with the roaster. He was standing all alone at that time. I passed very closed to him but to my utter surprise this cock did not move at all. Perhaps he was least afraid of me. Then I tried to scare him by showing a mock attach but instead of getting afraid he attacked me with his beak and talons. I then became more aggressive and threw one of my shoes at him which struck him a little but instead of running away he again attacked me. Then I threw the second shoes on him. What he did was most astonishing for me. He took hold of both the shoes and started crowing. I then became a little afraid whether any satanic soul has entered into him. I was in search of any object to get rescue from this situation but I could not find any stone or any thing. I saw a broken twig far away. I tried to take a hold of that stick to get out of this situation and recapture my shoes but the roaster again attacked me. I ran away with full speed but cock was more faster than me. Any how, I picked the stick and started beating this ghost. But it scared me more that he was fighting more aggressively. At last when I charged the stick with more power, he ran away and started crowing. I then met my neighbour-er and explained the situation. He then promised to keep the roaster in cage. I see him now daily in the cage and get horrified to recall the incidence. Ironically whenever he sees me he starts crowing….

    • I could picture every moment of this situation. I feel like once a rooster can smell your fear, they own your soul. I am on my third rooster, and he is afraid of me because I put an alpha vibe out, and I don’t go into battle or even a slight confrontation with him. He does scare me when he swaggers, but I keep calm. Holy smokes on your neighbor’s rooster clutching onto your shoe. I hope he stays in the cage!!

    • This is a great story. I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I could feel every moment of your fear in there. They are crazed beasts who get nastier with age. They do protect hens, but they attack the humans with as much vigor. Terrifying. Thanks for sharing.

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